So I won a race. It was just last year that I was threading Wellgo platforms into my first ever mountain bike. Soon thereafter I got some padded, baggy shorts and crankbros for my first race ever--the rec class at Buck--and it was all uphill from there. I soon found myself in bib shorts, and liked the way the Lycra felt on my rear. I traded my white, cotton socks for real cycling socks, and made sure they were color-coordinated with my shoes . I bought a tub of chamois butter, and, as the directions recommended, I "applied liberally."
Such things--leotards, 15 dollar socks, excessive amounts of ass lube--may seem a bit gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), but one must not read into it too much; they are no more than rights of passage for us mountain bikers. The ultimate cyclist ritual, however--leg shaving--seems to me a waist of time. Not to say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. In fact, after my mighty win at Hillside, I sought to ease my curiosity on the subject, turning to none other than the all-knowing, Google. I typed: cyclists+leg+shave+why. At the very top of 112,000 results were the 5 reasons why coach Levi (whoever that is) shaves his legs, his number one being to "look good." Here's what coach Levi had to say regarding the matter: "you can have a fancy kit, sleek helmet, top-of-the-line bike, but if you pair tight spandex with hairy legs, the cycling fashion police will be forced to haul you away." I quickly concluded that coach Levi himself might be a bit gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), so I decided it be best to postpone the date with my girlfriend's Sheek razor and flirty mango shave cream.
Although Google placed coach Levi at the top of their list, I wasn't convinced that he was the premier source on the controversial topic of leg shaving, thus began my search for Jack Hinkens. I found him at an undisclosed bicycle shop, sitting on the couch, watching the TDF. His Incredibly smooth legs gave him away. They must have been freshly shaven and oiled, for the flash of sun off his calves nearly knocked me on the floor. After regaining my balance, I said, "Yo Jack, what up with the hairless legs, bro."
Jack's shiny shaved legs
He looked at me with his squinted eyes as if I already knew the answer. This is what he had to say: "beside the obvious benefits of aerodynamics, I do it because...well...it's not my choice really. As you know, I've been spending a lot of time in Europe, and I found this girl. Her name is Helga, a sweet, little, Swiss gal. But you can't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone that she doesn't shave her own legs...or anywhere else for that matter. That's why she makes me do it. She likes to watch. Mainly, though, she likes to run her hairy legs up and down my smooth ones, whispering unspeakables into my ear. But don't tell anyone, man."
"Don't worry, Jack." I said, "Your secret is safe with me."
My interview with Jack was very helpful. I realized the true reason why cyclists shave their legs. It's not about looking good or even making band-aids easier to pull off (ouch). The real reason cyclists sport smooth legs is that their wives and girlfriends make them do it, and these guys are not man enough to put their foot down. It's a sick world out there, I know. In protest, then, I have decided to keep my legs hairy, even though it will mean constantly looking over my shoulder, awaiting the arrival of the cycling fashion police to haul me away. I just hope they don't confiscate my sleek helmet.